Buck Up

I’m weak. I know this. I try not to let what others think of me get to me, but in the end – it always affects me.

Usually I don’t really care what strangers think cause I won’t really see them again but if it’s a classmate or relative – basically when I know I might see them again; I get scared. I start to overthink.

Rumors spread like wildfire. Gawd knows what will happen if rumors about me starting appearing.

I’m not perfect. Never said I was 100% the ideal human ever, in a serious way. I have my setbacks. I know my weaknesses. Things that make me.. Less desirable.

But. You know what?

I’m going to push myself to be strong. I have to do it, whether I like it or not. I can’t let them break me down. I am who I am. There’s nothing wrong with me. I have to be at peace with myself if not I’ll always be depending on others.

I’m THROUGH with solely depending on people with everything. Even when I want to rant to someone, I hold myself back unless I’m really anxious or angry. I’m slowly but surely stopping that. Baby steps, ya know?

I’ll get there eventually.

On a different note;

I’m not sure about her anymore. Some part of me wants to let things go just cause it’d be weird to reunite after 3 years of not talking. The other wants to try again and make things work.

Can you believe we live so near yet I’ve never seen her? Fate doesn’t want to play nice, I suppose. I could always go out of my way to hang around her area in hopes that I’ll bump into her but.. I don’t like to force anything.

If it’s meant to be, it will be.

Besides, if after all these years and she says she doesn’t want to be friends anymore.. Then I guess, it’s fine. The pain will be there for a while, but it’ll be gone before I know it.

I can and will be stronger than I am now. I’ll be able to take it. I know it. I trust myself to stay strong.

I know I’ll be thinking “then what about the matching necklaces and the Paris trip?”

Go there with someone else! I know you’ll find someone so out of this world that they’ll shake your world.

All the things you planned, doesn’t have to go to waste! And even if it does, think of something new! Be innovative and creative! I know you have so many ideas in that huge head of yours.

And don’t think about finding someone worse or better than her. There’s no such thing as that. You shouldn’t be comparing them to anyone. They’re their own person. Accept them for who they are!

With that being said, have a good day~

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Keeping It In

Keeping your emotions in, is actually, pretty hard for me. As I grow older, I do my best to not let my emotions get the best of me. I smile and pretend like nothing bad ever happened – like it never bothered me.

Sometimes it’s hard and my emotions just come up to the surface, biting anyone that’s near.

Not really fair to the innocents, I know. I do try to not let it get too out of hand – when it comes to the innocent people.

I’m nice that way, at least.

But I have to say, I actually like myself when I’m angry. Weird, right? But the thing is, when I’m angry – everyone else is second. I’m first. I’ll do me, and no one else is getting in my way. That’s how I’m like when I’m really angry.

But unfortunately, I’m someone that hardly ever gets really angry to the point I’m like that. It takes a lot to build me up till that point. Pity.

It sucks how I genuinely always put others before me. Can’t help it. It’s been my instinct since day one, I suppose. So you can at least see I wasn’t kidding when I said I’m nice. If you asked any of my friends, they’d say I’m too pure for this world. Weird.

Y’all probably think “this is some tumblr emo bullshit” and hey, I don’t disagree.

Side note is I wanna find someone that’s like my angry side. Cause damnn, they’d be fine af.

Probably narcissistic in a sense, but hey – I would date me if I could;)

Is it too late to say, “Happy New Year”? Maybe. But Happy New Year, anyways!~

Having an obsession..

Most people say being obsessed isn’t good. I’m not saying I disagree with it but I don’t exactly agree either. 

Having something that gives you a reason to smile.. How bad can that be? Be it a person or an object; – sometimes I just think it’s okay, to some extent. 

When I think about it.. Maybe it’s a good thing my obsession for something doesn’t last long. I get too into it and some of my mannerisms are similar to the person I showed an interest in. Though this mostly happens with fictional characters and TV characters. 

Of course, in reality it’s different. 

I’m not saying I copied the behaviours of my crushes. I’m just saying there used to be something that got me all excited and made my day brighter. 

Now? That’s just gone. 

Maybe it’s cause I haven’t found a new crush yet. But somehow.. Something’s telling me I probably won’t get as excited as before. Humans are still humans after all. We all have shitty parts of ours. Some more awful than others – maybe cause of certain circumstances or whatever..

But what I’m trying to say is that when it comes to fictional characters, you know them in and out. As much as the author would allow anyways. You learn about them faster and in an easier way. Hence why, I guess most people like fictional characters easily. 

 Oh my, we’re drifting away from the topic. 

My point is, I’m kinda upset my obsession with a character doesn’t last long. Maybe not just the characters but also music or almost anything. Music for example; I like it for a day or two – a couple of weeks max. But then the spark’s gone. I don’t feel like listening to it until I’ve gotten the tune out of my head and forgotten about it. Though once in a while I will listen to it when I’ve remembered it after a long time. But even then, I’ll just listen to it for less than 20 mins before I get bored of it again.

It might be silly of me to compare that to being in a relationship with someone but I guess I can’t help but wonder..

I just hope I don’t lose interest in the person I’m seeing – if I ever do get in a relationship.
On a side note; I have a new character I like;

Please welcome… Namsoo Oppaaaaa~

He’s crazy passionate about the person he has an interest in. He would do anything for them. Always asking if they need help. 

This guy… 

Bias Much?

Prepare for a short rant..

Oh my gaaawddd, where do I even begin?

So they just finished scolding my bro for stealing a $50 voucher. The whole time my mum was so sympathetic but my dad was having none of it. But like, bitch. If that were me?

Bitch, when I made a mistake, you were always up my ass and saying all the shit thing about how better it would be if I died. Bitch, you hate me so much and if you say our relationship got better cause ya broke ya damn leg, that’s true. But you should have broke it multiple times btw. You were so sickeningly sweet it was a bit disgusting but it was a nice change since you depended on me a little. 

But yes, our relationship did get better – still doesn’t change the fact you hate me the most. It’s hilarious how you were there saying to my bro, “I have high hopes for you! I gave you to God! I know you have a calling”. Bitch, you know you wrong. You know my bro ain’t going anywhere YOU want him to go. Just accept it. You somehow “magically” knew I was a rotten shit and would “always” be a rotten shit. 

Hence why if I was in my bro’s place, it would have gotten a lot worse. I probably would have booked it and asked a friend to let me stay over. Or just roam the streets like any normal person that wants to get the fuck away from their abnormal family.

Honestly, if it were me getting the scolding, I would get 0 sympathy from that bias bitch. Why she wants to believe in someone not worth believing in, is beyond me. Maybe she just hates daughters. Maybe? I’m not sure, it’s just a theory at this point. 

Oh well, I’m just looking forward to how I can either die to escape this bias asshole or just live somewhere else. I mean what else can I do? 

Oh, and if she sees this, knew it was written by me – my gawd she would definitely start saying I should die or just fling my clothes outside the door, telling me to whore myself out like the slut I am. If she thought my bro wrote this, she’ll probably coax him and tell him to talk out his issues.

Goals

I aspire to have this kind of relationship with someone;

We’re probably trying to bullshit our way through something..

Me : 

Signalling : “I’m confused”

Them :

Signalling : “just go with the flow. We’ll bullshit our way through this entire thing and they won’t even know we’re faking it”

Me Vs Me #25

I have these lil mini convos in my head to pass time. So here’s one;

When a friend draws my character completely different..

Inner Me :

“Do not throw a fuss over a petty issue”

Me :

“I am not-” 

Inner Me :

Me : 

“Hugo(my OC) does NOT look like that!”

“Everyone’s character looks like whatever they wanted it to look like but mine looks so bloody different that I hate it. I drew mine the way I liked it. Then when he did that poster for our campaign, I couldn’t even tell my character was in the thing cause like I said; does not look like how I drew it

Inner Me :

“Well then just tell him, ya pussy”

Me : 

“I can’t.. Cause when I first saw it, it was already coloured and looked 75% done. He spent a lot of time and put a lot of effort into it as well. So how could I just say ‘hey, hate how you drew my character so can you redraw it?’ That’s a dick move, even for me”

Inner Me :

“Ahahahhaa you’re an idiot, you know that?”

Me :

“Huh?”

Inner Me :

“Listen, the answer is so bloody simple. It’s a wonder how you couldn’t see it in the first place. Since you’re soooooo offended by this, just redraw it on your own and claim you like this version of Hugo better. Simple as that”

Me :

“But then what about his efforts and-”

Inner Me :

“I don’t see how that’s your problem. He can use the original as his portfolio or whatever. But this story, includes you as well. Don’t see a problem in you ensuring your character looks exactly how you designed him. Besides, most people would have asked him to redraw but you’re nice enough to redraw it for him

—–

This is how I drew my character;

It’s a very basic sketch that needs a lot of touching up, but you try and tell me if the one below looks even remotely similar to the one above

The one he drew;

Jeez, one side of me honestly doesn’t give af but the other has it’s pride hurt or whatever. Sigh, such a pain the ass

Touch & Go

A really funny story happened.. Well, okay it wasn’t so funny, it was actually really serious and even now, I can’t believe it happened. 

To summarise it, I got dumped for hanging out with someone that ONE person in my group disliked.

Names first: Jesse, Dan, Phil and Tyler

Okay, now here’s how it happened;

Yesterday I had a blast with Jesse. We haven’t met up in so long so we decided to meet yesterday. She also took some vids to post to Insta – which Phil followed(this is important)

Now today, I come to school and Phil suddenly ignores me. Doesn’t tell me why either. Goes as far as to leave me behind and not even wait for me. Lo and behold, Tyler was with him the whole way. 

So I didn’t know what was up, don’t even know why I bothered to catch up. Probably shouldn’t have cause even my instincts were like “don’t follow”

So while Phil was ordering food, I ask Tyler if he’s mad with me. To which he says “yea, cause you hung out with Jesse”. Now I was pissed cause he didn’t tell me that he had a problem and just chose to ignore me. All I knew was that he was neutral with Jesse and I was cool with that. Fuck, I’m getting pissed just thinking about it.